"And you say he's just a friend....."
So, all through college I had this problem. Every woman that I was interested in, I'd become "Just the friend". We'd hang out. Go to movies, go to dinner, and just chat.
It was great, but often, I wanted more. I think partially it was a mix of me not being clear at what I wanted, and me hanging out with the wrong women, particularly those they were dating someone else. I guess I thought they'd magically for me, break up with him, and all would end happily ever after.
Now, I seem to have the opposite problem in a sense. Sometimes I just want to spend time with someone casually. I believe the ideal way to start a relationship is to just hang out casually with someone. You start out going out for coffee, or drinks. You might move to dinner, movies, something outside...you just start spending more time together.
As you get to know each other, you slowly become both great friends and potential lovers. And then, before you know it, you're dating.
But, in your late 20's, it's assumed, mostly correctly, that you're looking for someone to date. Now that's great, but it makes a simple meet for coffee a big deal.
Ok, so you meet someone. You call them. Maybe you do go out with them for coffee, maybe you don't. But either way, it becomes serious quite quickly. If they don't want to date you, It's "I'm really busy with work" or "I'm finding myself", or maybe they don't even return your phone call.
Now, I can appreciate the desire to stay single. But, assuming you're clear with your intentions, what's wrong with just spending time with someone and seeing who they are. Don't you get into a better relationship by just spending time with them?
So you say, "Hey, I'm not ready to date, but let's meet up for coffee". Yes, let's "just be friends"
and see where it goes. I'm old enough that I can be honest with what I want, and take honesty from others. And of course, if you aren't attracted to someone, or just not interested, then just say so. "Thanks for the offer, but no thank you". No explanation needed. You don't need to be busy at work, or going through a life crises.
If the whole thing wasn't made a big deal, I think dating would be much less stressful and it would be easier to get to know someone for who they really are, not just who they appear to be.
posted by Gatsby @ 8:34 PM
7 Comments:
Agreed, you are wise, take me now or lose me forever :)
Sigh... when did a cup of coffee become so much more than a cup of coffee? I think it was around the time I turned tewnty-four...
GG, you've been hanging around me too long, my friend.
I think somewhere between high school and college you can drink coffee safetly. In high school of course, hanging out with the opposite sex is cause for rumor. After college you essentially have to propose.
Maybe when we retire we can have innocent coffee again?
Hmmmm...now I am looking at this from the point of view of someone who is probably a bit older (mid-30's) and whose views have been affected from several years of life in a country which is not quite so American. But here goes: what ever happened to guys who were...well...guys? And who would take risks and would be willing to ask a woman out on a date even before they knew her entire life story? What ever happened to romance, and getting to know someone as you date them? If you want it to move slowly, take a page from the Orthodox book and keep your hands to yourself for a while. (I say this quite seriously, and in no way intend to be rude--I believe that this is actually a healthy dating strategy). I know a lot of American guys who speak as you do and there is something so terribly sad and wishy-washy about the whole thing.
I am one of those women who does not go out of her way to cultivate lots of male friends. If a new male acquaintance were to ask me out for coffee, my assumption would be that this were a date. If he were to say it is just friends, I very well might politely decline. There are certain exceptions, of course and I do have some few male friends. However most of my friends are women. For the most part, I believe that the expression "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free" applies here. The benefits of my companionship: emotional support, friendship, advice and the like...are reserved for a guy who is serious about me, and not for every other guy who just wants to "use me" for these very important non-sexual benefits while he is waiting for Ms. Right.
This is not to criticize those men who are not interested. Sometimes guys are not interested. It happens! It is nobody's fault. But then, why should I spend time with him and hurt myself by being "just the friend"?
Wow, great post. Thanks for your thoughts.
I generally agree with you actually.
If I am to ask a female out for something social (coffee, dinner, drinks etc..) 98% of the time my intentions are romantic. If the woman isn't interested in me romantically, I'm surpised they accept. And although I still think the ideal way is to go from friends to lovers, dating from the start works as well and it is exciting to get to know someone as you date them. Perhaps as I get older too, I'll have less interest in mainting more female friends and hold on to the few good ones. Who knows?
I'm anxiously awaiting retirement, then!
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